Upstream

The other day I crashed.  I woke up feeling like I was choking on the waters of life, agitated, irritable, unstable.  It took me over an hour to eat breakfast.  Every noise, movement made me frustrated.  Even the thought of helping my oldest get ready for camp, the dishes, laundry overwhelmed me.  I sat in a chair tears streaming down my face and told my husband the same thing he has heard so many times "I'm just sick of crashing...I want to get better."

He assured me I am..that I haven't been down as much.  It doesn't feel like that to me in the moment.  Its this moment of despair.  Like a storm in my mind and the waves are crashing into my common sense.  I felt passive aggressive in my thought process...everyone is against me.  No one even cares if I get better because no one cares.  These are all things my mind tells me when I crash..

God whispers "I care.."

I cried inside "Then make me better instead of just patting me on the back!!"

God whispers "Go deeper"

Uuuughhhhhhhhhh

No Lord, I need a miracle here.  I need a Book of Acts freedom.  I need to be healed.  You don't understand!!!!

"I understand.."

I told my husband we need to go to the river.  I felt God would do something at the river...

I literally forced myself to throw on laundry..and soak dishes..and muster up enough power to do them.  I can do all things through Christ.  I can do this, and as my Mother in Law says "we can do this, we have the technology". 

Push through Candace push through.  

We got there.  The feelings of hopelessness went away.  But I did not have any divine revelation.  The river continued on, and I accepted the silence.  

Over the days passed I have continued to try and make sense and blog.  However when your mood, your perspective changes rapidly it is very hard.  I have had to try and really keep my head above some violent waters..

I bawled through worship and service this Sunday.  To Praise Jesus through all this has been like trying to worship while water is filling your mouth.   I so desperately want to be better.  I am so tired of this chaos of the mind. 

I figured that God was downstream..that as I faced this mental illness I would coast downstream to meet Him.   Holy Spirit would be my raft.  

I am beginning to think He is up stream.

And there is going to be wave after wave after wave.  

I understand He is right here with me... but it feels like I am going to have to swim against a lot of challenges in order to heal and get better.  

Waves hit hard, its like the devil, and my imbalance smacking me in the face.  Sometimes I see it coming, sometimes it is like swimming in the dark.

One wave, two, break... get back on track... three four five six... ok focus... seven... 

God is in the depths, and in the shallows

He continues to show me in the breaks His goodness

He tries to show me His love in the waves

The waves are so loud its hard to hear.

This is not a season to coast...

It is a season of pushing

It is a season of paddling hard

It is a season of digging cupped hands into the fridged water

It will be a season of drive

Where some waves will still make me tumble.

I need to learn to take deep breaths of God's truth before they hit

so while I am underneath I can use it as oxygen.

It will be a season of hope, of anticipation, of expectation.

It will be a season of worship.  Praising my King. 

Even if I feel like I am gulping water down I will praise Him.

I will worship Him

Because He is good.  Because He has to be good... while doctors fight over what medication I should be on and what route to take He is good and has a plan to prosper me and give me a hope AND and future.  One that will be a testimony and a pillar in my faith.