Deeper Still...

I have been drawn to the water time and time again since the snow melted here in Canada. Rivers, oceans, lakes and streams have been constantly flowing through my thoughts.  Not a day has gone by that I haven't done all I can to get us down to the river to stick my feet in.  My room filled with shells from the sea, and I over and over again crave the salt air and waves hitting my feet.  I have battled for many months with waves that have crashed into me, ones unwelcomed and very few embraced.  It has been hard for me to process the thoughts of my mind.  It has come to the place where I have sought doctors help for the wild swings of my brain like a storm so persistent.  The eye of the storm comes,  but I find myself clinging to the rocks, still afraid to let go because I am bracing for what's storm is to come next.  What clouds will the wind bring in?  This is something I ask myself daily.  I have spent many weeks angry with God, bIut two weeks ago I felt a shift, like God brought in a warm current of His love.

Come to the living water...

"He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.'" ~ John 7:38

I find myself now not only seeking the rivers that flow in the natural, but the River that flows through my heart in the Spiritual..

The One who created the rivers and streams of this life created my inner most being and longs to wash me clean from the sometimes debilitating thoughts I have cover me.

I have craved to dip my feet in the sea.. to stare at the beauty of it and I find myself drawn to the colour of its greenish blue beauty and naturally everything that resembles its brightness I have adorned my life in.  If my entire home could resemble a mermaid lagoon these days it would.

Today I was sitting in bed, thinking and reading, surrounded by teals and turquoise and everything reflecting this current vibe.  I looked up at a wall hanging my pastor Heather had created that I purchased as part of an auction to help support missions work in Rwanda.   I love it because it is a blue like the ocean...however looking upon it today I realized it was the colour of the depths - Not the shallow light and bright turquoise my heart has been swooning over, but the deep...

There was something I felt the Lord was trying to impress on me.. it is hard for me to sometimes accept that the Lord would want to speak to me after being so angry for so long and it is hard to hear Him clear over everything that swirls in my mind.

There are depths of the Living Water I have not dove into in a very long time.  In order to do so I need to allow myself to jump off the rocks I have been clinging so tightly too as I battle this storm inside.  Mental Illness can feel like a jagged rock cliff.  As the storms hit us it causes abrasions to our body and soul that the Great Physician can help heal.

I do not understand the complexity or the workings of how my mind works still.  I know things are still off and yet there is this grace, this cleansing water the Lord has chosen to pour out in this time and I feel like I can breath and worship Him through it instead of folding my arms and crying in frustration that I am again sick.  I feel as though I can breath under His Living Water more now than I can breath in the natural air.

I have only been wading in the shallows where the water looks sea green.  I pray and ask the Lord to give me enough mercy to help me dive deep once again.  Into His depths..into the darkest blues.

Heather's wall hangings can be found on instagram @modernknot  and go towards missions work in Rwanda.