The plunge

There is one thing that the enemy will do right after you begin to walk one foot in front of another after being down for so long...He will make you think that you can no longer do the things you did before you got angry with Him..

The other night I had the most amazing opportunity and blessing to sit with my sisterhood again..my tribe of warriors for God..all of us in a living room sharing our week and begin a study on 2 Timothy.  The entire time, everything I begged God to show me He did.  I ended up (as usual) sobbing in awe of His grace.

I cannot do the things He has called me too...

But He can do them through me.

He has birthed such a burning desire in my heart for the nations.. There is something so massive burning in my soul that cannot be extinguished. It is so strong it almost daily drives me to tears.

It has felt like I have been held in God's arms, waste deep in the water. The waves no longer hitting me in the face but hitting Him and He does not move or get tossed. 

He picks me up under the armpits and says "ready?"

I am shoved into the air, I take a deep breath.

Then into the deep, the plunge.

Right back where I was before I felt washed up onto the rocks feeling defeated and broken.

He does not waste time getting traction.  Those waves I was swallowing the other day, they feel gone.  I will take this break whether it be a day, a week or hour.  

Our God is a God of SO MUCH GRACE

Our God is a God of SO MUCH MERCY

I wish I could impart to those I encounter this fire I have bubbling inside right now to fulfill all that everyone is ever called too.

Even when we are not of sound mind..the Lord is patient... He has seen the beginning from the end... He knows.. He weeps with us.. He knows this world is broken.  He encourages us and He is ready to hold us up high and throw us right back in where we left off at His perfect moment

"As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfil your ministry."  2 Timothy 4:5

Fight the good fight, finish the race, keep the faith.

Upstream

The other day I crashed.  I woke up feeling like I was choking on the waters of life, agitated, irritable, unstable.  It took me over an hour to eat breakfast.  Every noise, movement made me frustrated.  Even the thought of helping my oldest get ready for camp, the dishes, laundry overwhelmed me.  I sat in a chair tears streaming down my face and told my husband the same thing he has heard so many times "I'm just sick of crashing...I want to get better."

He assured me I am..that I haven't been down as much.  It doesn't feel like that to me in the moment.  Its this moment of despair.  Like a storm in my mind and the waves are crashing into my common sense.  I felt passive aggressive in my thought process...everyone is against me.  No one even cares if I get better because no one cares.  These are all things my mind tells me when I crash..

God whispers "I care.."

I cried inside "Then make me better instead of just patting me on the back!!"

God whispers "Go deeper"

Uuuughhhhhhhhhh

No Lord, I need a miracle here.  I need a Book of Acts freedom.  I need to be healed.  You don't understand!!!!

"I understand.."

I told my husband we need to go to the river.  I felt God would do something at the river...

I literally forced myself to throw on laundry..and soak dishes..and muster up enough power to do them.  I can do all things through Christ.  I can do this, and as my Mother in Law says "we can do this, we have the technology". 

Push through Candace push through.  

We got there.  The feelings of hopelessness went away.  But I did not have any divine revelation.  The river continued on, and I accepted the silence.  

Over the days passed I have continued to try and make sense and blog.  However when your mood, your perspective changes rapidly it is very hard.  I have had to try and really keep my head above some violent waters..

I bawled through worship and service this Sunday.  To Praise Jesus through all this has been like trying to worship while water is filling your mouth.   I so desperately want to be better.  I am so tired of this chaos of the mind. 

I figured that God was downstream..that as I faced this mental illness I would coast downstream to meet Him.   Holy Spirit would be my raft.  

I am beginning to think He is up stream.

And there is going to be wave after wave after wave.  

I understand He is right here with me... but it feels like I am going to have to swim against a lot of challenges in order to heal and get better.  

Waves hit hard, its like the devil, and my imbalance smacking me in the face.  Sometimes I see it coming, sometimes it is like swimming in the dark.

One wave, two, break... get back on track... three four five six... ok focus... seven... 

God is in the depths, and in the shallows

He continues to show me in the breaks His goodness

He tries to show me His love in the waves

The waves are so loud its hard to hear.

This is not a season to coast...

It is a season of pushing

It is a season of paddling hard

It is a season of digging cupped hands into the fridged water

It will be a season of drive

Where some waves will still make me tumble.

I need to learn to take deep breaths of God's truth before they hit

so while I am underneath I can use it as oxygen.

It will be a season of hope, of anticipation, of expectation.

It will be a season of worship.  Praising my King. 

Even if I feel like I am gulping water down I will praise Him.

I will worship Him

Because He is good.  Because He has to be good... while doctors fight over what medication I should be on and what route to take He is good and has a plan to prosper me and give me a hope AND and future.  One that will be a testimony and a pillar in my faith.

Deeper Still...

I have been drawn to the water time and time again since the snow melted here in Canada. Rivers, oceans, lakes and streams have been constantly flowing through my thoughts.  Not a day has gone by that I haven't done all I can to get us down to the river to stick my feet in.  My room filled with shells from the sea, and I over and over again crave the salt air and waves hitting my feet.  I have battled for many months with waves that have crashed into me, ones unwelcomed and very few embraced.  It has been hard for me to process the thoughts of my mind.  It has come to the place where I have sought doctors help for the wild swings of my brain like a storm so persistent.  The eye of the storm comes,  but I find myself clinging to the rocks, still afraid to let go because I am bracing for what's storm is to come next.  What clouds will the wind bring in?  This is something I ask myself daily.  I have spent many weeks angry with God, bIut two weeks ago I felt a shift, like God brought in a warm current of His love.

Come to the living water...

"He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.'" ~ John 7:38

I find myself now not only seeking the rivers that flow in the natural, but the River that flows through my heart in the Spiritual..

The One who created the rivers and streams of this life created my inner most being and longs to wash me clean from the sometimes debilitating thoughts I have cover me.

I have craved to dip my feet in the sea.. to stare at the beauty of it and I find myself drawn to the colour of its greenish blue beauty and naturally everything that resembles its brightness I have adorned my life in.  If my entire home could resemble a mermaid lagoon these days it would.

Today I was sitting in bed, thinking and reading, surrounded by teals and turquoise and everything reflecting this current vibe.  I looked up at a wall hanging my pastor Heather had created that I purchased as part of an auction to help support missions work in Rwanda.   I love it because it is a blue like the ocean...however looking upon it today I realized it was the colour of the depths - Not the shallow light and bright turquoise my heart has been swooning over, but the deep...

There was something I felt the Lord was trying to impress on me.. it is hard for me to sometimes accept that the Lord would want to speak to me after being so angry for so long and it is hard to hear Him clear over everything that swirls in my mind.

There are depths of the Living Water I have not dove into in a very long time.  In order to do so I need to allow myself to jump off the rocks I have been clinging so tightly too as I battle this storm inside.  Mental Illness can feel like a jagged rock cliff.  As the storms hit us it causes abrasions to our body and soul that the Great Physician can help heal.

I do not understand the complexity or the workings of how my mind works still.  I know things are still off and yet there is this grace, this cleansing water the Lord has chosen to pour out in this time and I feel like I can breath and worship Him through it instead of folding my arms and crying in frustration that I am again sick.  I feel as though I can breath under His Living Water more now than I can breath in the natural air.

I have only been wading in the shallows where the water looks sea green.  I pray and ask the Lord to give me enough mercy to help me dive deep once again.  Into His depths..into the darkest blues.

Heather's wall hangings can be found on instagram @modernknot  and go towards missions work in Rwanda.